


Life Lesson #56

by alchemicink



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP
Genre: #KeitosRevenge, Bacon, Gen, Pizza, This story might make you hungry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-12
Updated: 2015-01-12
Packaged: 2018-03-07 06:16:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3164381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alchemicink/pseuds/alchemicink
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“May all your bacon burn,” Keito had said. It was just five little words. Takaki had no idea that they were going to turn out to be such a big problem.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Life Lesson #56

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CoffeesaurusRex](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoffeesaurusRex/gifts).



> So CoffeesaurusRex and I had a conversation the other day about obscure movie quotes we always want to use in conversation and one was "May all your bacon burn" from the English dub of _Howl's Moving Castle_. She jokingly said I should write fic using the curse and I was entirely too excited to do it. So she picked Takaki and Keito as the main characters and this is the result. Thanks friend! I hope you enjoy it~!
> 
> (Also I've never actually watched any of the TV shows I mentioned in the story. But Takaki did once mention watching _The OC_ in a magazine interview so I regret nothing. hahaha)

_Life Lesson #43: bad things happen when you run out of pizza_

JUMP was well aware of this fact about pizza. They had all found that out the hard way when Yabu had once challenged Inoo to a drinking contest for the last slice and somehow everyone had gotten involved. In the morning aftermath, no one could remember what had happened but they’d ended up with a broken chair, the pizza box in the bathtub, and greasy pizza stains on the ceiling. (Additionally, there had also been one time when Yuto had tried to use an empty pizza box as a makeshift board to ride down some stairs… but they didn’t really like to talk about that incident.)

And yet, despite knowing all this, Takaki and Keito found themselves down to only one slice left about five episodes into a marathon of _The Hills_. Usually they were more prepared for this problem since Daiki was in charge of ordering the pizza, but he hadn’t been able to make it to their American drama marathon night this time, leaving Takaki and Keito to fend for themselves. 

“Did you want that?” Takaki asked, hand hovering over the now-almost-cold piece of pizza. 

“Yes,” Keito answered. His hand was poised to swipe the pizza himself. 

There was a moment of silent staring as if daring each other to try to reach for the last pizza slice. The characters on the TV screen just kept talking like something terrible wasn’t about to happen. Finally Takaki blinked and Keito made his attempt for the pizza. But Takaki’s fingers latched onto his wrist before he could get too far. 

“Oh come on,” Keito whined. “You made me sit through five hours of _The Hills._ I deserve this last piece!” 

Takaki looked scandalized. His eyes widened in shock. “But I thought you liked _The Hills._ ”

“ _Nobody_ likes that show except for you and teenage girls.”

“But—”

“And we didn’t like _Laguna Beach_ or _The OC_ either,” Keito added. “I wanted to watch _The Walking Dead._ ”

Takaki gasped in shock. “Well…” he spluttered a moment to think of a comeback for that. “Well… zombies are scary and I’m still hungry and want more pizza?” It was the only excuse he could come up with on such short notice. At the moment, he had chosen to ignore the revelation that nobody liked his favorite TV shows. 

They both seemed to realize that they were never going to come up with a peaceful solution to the pizza problem. So after another few moments of silent staring, Takaki and Keito both lunged for the last slice. Their heads collided with a solid _thunk_ and neither one managed to make it all the way to the pizza box. The next few minutes were a flurry of flailing limbs and muffled _ouches_ and one exclamation of “Watch where you’re putting those fingers! You almost picked my nose!”

Finally, after nearly getting a black eye, Takaki pulled his trump card. 

“Hey, what’s that in the window?” he pointed behind Keito. 

While Keito was distracted, Takaki shoved half the slice of pizza into his mouth. Keito glared at him when he turned back around, but Takaki just continued chewing the food with all the triumphant glory of someone who’d just outwitted his opponent in something complicated like chess. 

Keito narrowed his eyes as Takaki just continued to eat. “Just for that,” he said, “I’m going to curse you.”

Takaki paused and scratched his head. 

“Yep,” Keito nodded. “A curse. Just a little something I learned while hanging out with Chinen.” 

Takaki took a bite of the pizza crust but now he was looking vaguely concerned. 

Keito cleared his throat and tried to muster up his most serious voice. When he finally felt ready, he took a deep breath and spoke slowly and clearly. 

“May all your bacon burn.”

Takaki snorted and almost choked on his last bite of greasy pizza. “That’s it?” he asked. He wasn’t really worried anymore. “I don’t even eat bacon.” 

Keito just leaned back on the couch with a smirk and crossed his arms, turning his attention back to whatever was happening on _The Hills._

“Just wait,” he vowed. “Just you wait.”

***

A few weeks passed by and in that time, Takaki had forgotten all about the bacon curse. That is until he saw a package in the grocery store. It looked normal, of course, just sitting there with all the other meats in its neat plastic wrap. But Takaki stopped walking and stared at it, forgetting all about what he’d originally gone to the store to pick up. 

He had a sudden inexplicable urge to buy the bacon. He couldn’t explain it but he was craving the food even though he hadn’t eaten bacon in years. 

An annoyed _hmph_ from his left suddenly reminded him that he was still standing motionless in the middle of the grocery store aisle. A not-so-friendly-looking elderly lady was apparently trying to get to the chicken wings but Takaki was blocking the way. Deciding not to think too much about it, Takaki threw the bacon package into his basket and ducked away before the lady could continue her piercing death glare at him. 

When he got home, he set the bacon on the counter, crossed his arms and regarded it with suspicion. But it looked harmless enough. Really, it wasn’t any different from any other raw meat. Keito was just joking about the bacon curse anyway. 

He didn’t really know what to do other than to stick it in the frying pan. He carefully placed five slices side by side in the pan and then fiddled with the knobs on the stove, adjusting the heat as high as it would go. The faster he got this done, the better. 

It didn’t take long for the tell-tale sound of sizzling to fill up the room. Takaki watched as the pieces of meat darkened and bacon grease began to ooze all over the pan. He could smell the delicious scent of cooked meat as he continued watching the bacon intently. 

After about ten minutes though, the delicious smell turned into a smokier, acrid one. It was then that he realized that he had no idea how long he was supposed to cook the stuff. There had probably been directions on the package, but he’d already tossed that away in the garbage. 

Frantically, he began to dig around the kitchen drawers for a spatula or something. By the time he pulled one out from a large pile of measuring cups (How had it gotten _there_ anyway? And had he always had that _many_ measuring cups?) the bacon had shriveled up to tiny black crisps. Takaki turned the stove off and poked it tentatively. 

He was pretty sure that it was inedible. 

With a frown, Takaki scraped the black bits from the pan into the trash can. And he decided that he would never speak of this incident again. 

***

_Life lesson #51: sometimes you can just let the phone go to voicemail_

Little did Takaki know, the bacon curse could not be lifted so easily. After only a few days, that urge to eat bacon had returned. He tried his best to ignore that rumbling craving in the pit of his stomach. He even went to the closest fast-food restaurant and ordered the biggest bacon double cheeseburger they had. But all to no avail. 

Once again, he found himself standing in his kitchen with an uncooked package of bacon. 

He’d done more research for it this time, learning that he should use tongs to flip the slices over halfway through and that it wasn’t necessary to turn the heat on the stove all the way up. All he really needed to do was watch the meat carefully until it was fully cooked and ready to eat. 

Things were going very well until he heard his phone start ringing in the other room. Takaki had no idea who would be calling him on his day off since he hadn’t made plans with anyone. 

He looked at the bacon, and then looked at the doorway, and then looked at the bacon again. The ringer on his phone sounded louder and louder during each passing second. Finally it reached a point where Takaki couldn’t stand it anymore and he dashed out of the kitchen in search of his phone. 

He answered it just in time, not even sparing a second to glance at the caller ID.

“ _Hey Yuya~_ ” a singsong voice called out through the tiny speakers. 

“Yamada?” 

“ _Of course it’s me!_ ” Yamada’s voice continued, sounding slightly offended. “ _I have something very important to ask you._ ”

Takaki wondered what could be so urgent. Had Yamada forgotten something work-related? Did he need a favor? 

Completely oblivious to Takaki’s whirling thoughts, Yamada continued speaking. “ _You know that restaurant you recommended me the other day? Does it have any good vegetarian options? I’m going with my sister and she’s decided that she’s not eating meat this week for some reason. I don’t know. Girls are weird._ ”

Takaki let out a long exasperated sigh before answering. “It’s a yakiniku place. I’m pretty sure there won’t be a lot of options other than meat.” 

“ _Oh._ ” Yamada sounded disappointed. “ _…maybe she won’t notice._ ” 

“Tell me all about it at work tomorrow,” Takaki said and then ended the call. It hadn’t been an emergency after all. He shoved his cell phone into the back pocket of his pants and then walked back into the kitchen. 

The bacon was a sizzling black mess and the whole room was covered with a light smoky haze. 

Takaki sighed again before dumping the inedible burnt pieces into the trash. Next time, he was just gonna let his phone go to voicemail.

***

While Takaki was trying his best to ignore the curse and all his cooking failures, Keito was very eager to mention it the next time he saw him. 

“So how much bacon have you already wasted?” Keito asked with a smirky grin. (Something that he had probably also picked up from hanging out with Chinen too much)

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” Takaki asked, pouting. 

The group was in the middle of a magazine photoshoot and the photographer apparently didn’t mind the faces they were making while having a conversation in between camera clicks. 

“What’s this about food?” Yuto butted into the conversation. “I’m hungry.” 

“I cursed Takaki so that he can’t cook bacon without burning it,” Keito declared proudly. He was positively beaming. The photographer snapped a few extra shots.

“I’m so proud of you,” Chinen declared and pretended to wipe a tear away from his eye.

Takaki crossed his arms and made a defiant face of denial. He puffed out his cheeks with annoyance. Again, the photographer took a few extra close-ups. “I’m not cursed. It’s all just a coincidence.” 

“The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem~” Inoo added with entirely too much cheer. “Apparently you have a problem. A delicious, delicious problem.” 

“You mean it _would_ be delicious if Takaki didn’t burn it all,” Keito said. He couldn’t stop himself from giggling. 

Once Keito had explained to everyone the whole story of what had happened, they all couldn’t stop laughing about it. Takaki just continued to pout. They all gathered around him and posed for one more picture together. Afterwards, the photographer declared that he’d gotten the best photos of them all year and they might even photoshop some bacon in the final version of the magazine.

“Can’t you just get rid of the curse?” Takaki complained to Chinen afterwards. 

“Nope,” he shook his head. “You’ll have to talk to Keito about that.”

But Keito had already mysteriously disappeared, so Takaki just decided that he would have to beat the curse himself. Now it was a challenge.

***

Over the next few days, Takaki purchased packages and packages of bacon. He was absolutely determined to cook bacon properly without burning any part of it. 

But still, it never seemed to work. There were interruptions and distractions everywhere. When he heard a weird noise outside, he just had to look out the window to check. It had only been road construction but it had been long enough to ruin the bacon. On another late night, he’d tried again but he was distracted by a mysterious beeping noise coming from somewhere in the house. He searched for everywhere for it until he eventually, ironically, discovered that it was the smoke alarm warning that the battery needed to be replaced. By that time, smoke from the burnt bacon was already filling up his kitchen and spilling out into the rest of the rooms. Later, he’d tried again while he was babysitting his sister’s kid, and really, he should have known better because of course chasing a toddler around wasn’t the best way to concentrate on cooking bacon. (Although the kid had actually happily eaten a few bites of the stuff before Takaki had thrown it away.)

So now, Takaki was down to his last package of bacon. He had prepared for this moment for hours. He’d turned his phone off, and he’d carefully calibrated the stove setting so that the temperature was just right. He placed each slice of bacon into the frying pan, one by one. He vowed that nothing was going to distract him from his task. He wasn’t even going to take his eyes off the bacon until it had reached the perfect delicious crispness. 

He was ready.

And things looked like they were going well. He just needed a little bit longer and then he would have perfectly cooked bacon after a ton of failures. 

But then there was a knock on the front door. Takaki didn’t even move. He wasn’t going to take his eyes away from the bacon. If it were possible to set things on fire just by staring intently, the bacon would probably have been on fire by now. (even though that was the exact opposite of his goal)

The knock was repeated, louder this time.

Takaki decided that he was just going to pretend he wasn’t home. It wouldn’t be long now before the bacon was ready. But the knocking just kept going and then a deep voice spoke.

“Open up, this is the police.”

Takaki’s eyes widened more than he ever thought would be humanly possible. Why would the police be outside? He jumped up and ran to answer the door. 

Hikaru was standing there with a goofy grin on his face. Takaki scratched his head in confusion. 

“Hey, I didn’t think you were ever going to open the door,” Hikaru said. He ignored the frustrated glare Takaki was shooting at him. (Also, ironically, one of those glares that might have been able to set things on fire. He really really wanted Hikaru’s hair to catch fire in this very moment.)

“Keito said he left a DVD here and wanted me to swing by and pick it up. I was in the neighborhood,” Hikaru casually explained. 

“I don’t have it,” Takaki said through gritted teeth. “I gave it to Daiki yesterday.” 

Hikaru shrugged. “Okay then.” He turned to leave but then paused to look back over his shoulder. He sniffed. “Is there something burning?”

“Damnit,” Takaki cursed and slammed the door shut.

***

Keito was having one of those relaxing nights where he just laid around the house and did nothing. It had been a long week at work and he just wanted to lie on the couch all night and watch TV. But a knock at the door interrupted those plans.

He was surprised to see Takaki standing there with a pizza box in his hand. Keito burst out laughing. 

“If I give you an entire pizza, will you lift the curse?” Takaki asked desperately. 

Keito took the box and nodded. “Sure,” he said. “Apology accepted.” He paused and then added. “And if you want, I’m about to marathon _The Walking Dead_ if you wanna join? …but you can’t have any of my pizza.” 

“Fair enough,” Takaki agreed and stepped inside. They both settled down on the couch to start the show. 

“Oh,” Keito continued. “If you get hungry, there’s a package of precooked bacon in the fridge. All you have to do is stick it in the microwave.” 

Takaki sighed but couldn’t help laughing a little too. “Well that’s good to know.” 

_Life Lesson #56: there is such a thing as precooked bacon_


End file.
